Valentine’s Day: defeat infidelity, plan for romance, Tip 2

Posted on January 19, 2011
Filed Under MARRIAGE TIPS | Leave a Comment

The headlines blare of mistresses but the good news for 2011 is that late reports in 2010 showed a decrease in infidelity.  Despite Internet statistics, often skewed and inaccurate, infidelity has not increased in over 20 years say scientists and analysts.  Marriage and Infidelity Q & A: Is infidelity decreasing?.  So instead of worrying about your husband use these weeks before Valentine’s Day to give your relationship a boost.

Here are eight ideas for couples

•Order personalized candy such as M&Ms that say, “I love U.”

•Order T-shirts for each other that say, “I am married to the world’s BEST.”

•Find photos of yourself when you first met and have them photocopied onto coffee mugs.

•Order a calendar that has a little note for each month; for example, “I still remember our first New Year’s Eve together.”

•Order fortune cookies filled with love or friendships sayings and mail them to his or her office.

•Fill up large wine glasses with Italian Baci candies (each has a love saying) and leave them around the house.

•Send a card that makes your special someone laugh.

•Express gratitude by using loving words even if you are not feeling loving.

Researchers are reporting that the words “Thank you” might be the secret to good health and a long life and lots of love.

Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at University of California at Davis, tells me: “Gratitude is an attitude, not a feeling that can be easily willed. Attitude change often follows behavior change. By living the gratitude that we do not necessarily feel, we can begin to feel that gratitude that we live.”

Adapted from “The Gift of Love” in my Lifebeat column for the Providence Journal and my blog.

A category list of articles on love, marriage, and infidelity — appearing on the Examiner and in the Providence Journal — are at  Rita Watson – Love Columnist

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Copyright 2011 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved

Valentine’s Day 2011: Defeat infidelity, choose gratitude, Tip 1

Posted on January 2, 2011
Filed Under In the news, MARRIAGE TIPS | Leave a Comment

Infidelity and Marriage: email snooping husband faces jail

Posted on December 30, 2010
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It just hit the news.  A suspicious Michigan husband broke into his wife’s email account because he thought she was cheating – and he found himself charged with illegal hacking and facing jail time according to the New York Daily News.

Before telling you the story, here is why you should NEVER stoop to snoop:

1) Fewer than 20% cheat over a lifetime.

2) Only about 5 in every 100 men cheat on an annual basis say scientific researchers.

3) It is demeaning and you put yourself on par with his cheating.

4) Leading marriage experts warn that it is damaging to a marriage which might otherwise be saved through forgiveness and understanding.

5) Some new technology used for snooping is illegal.

Here is the story from the New York Daily News:

“A Michigan man faces prison time for logging into a laptop at the couple’s home and reading her email. Thirty-three-year-old Leon Walker was charged with a felony after he accessed his wife Clara Walker’s account and learned she was having an affair, the Detroit Free Press reported.

That’s when Leon Walker was charged with hacking – a statute normally used to break into highly sensitized government or business computers or systems, the newspaper reported.

“I was doing what I had to do,” he said. “We’re talking about putting a child in danger.”

“Legal experts think the case could have reverberating effects for divorce cases, 45 percent of which use some sort of snooping of private accounts, the paper said.

“It’s going to be interesting because there are no clear legal answers here,” one lawyer said. Michigan man jailed for hacking into wife’s email;

For more on the story: Email-Snooping on Your Significant Other May Be a Jail-Worthy Offense

What should you do if you suspect infidelity?

• Confront in an NON-CONFRONTATIONAL way.
• Tell your husband you have a funny feeling that there is another person coming between you.  He will deny it, but he is on notice.
• Reiterate your commitment to the marriage.
• Get yourselves to a marriage counselor trained and licensed to help you.
• Go to divorcebusting.com and see what Michele Weiner-Davis has to say.
• Rely on the advice of those with credentials.

Have a read: Financial Infidelity and Marriage: never stoop to snoop!

For a catalogue of my articles on love, marriage, and infidelity please go to: Rita Watson – Love Columnist

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Copyright 2010 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved

Why ‘The Stir’ says mistress, Rielle Hunter, should attend Elizabeth Edwards funeral

Posted on December 9, 2010
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The headline and story in The Stir, a MomLogic Blog, sent shivers through me.  Rielle Hunter at the funeral of Elizabeth Edwards?  This is the woman who created double pain in the life of Elizabeth Edwards — first in having an affair with her husband, and then in giving birth to her husband’s love child. This is the woman whose very name Elizabeth Edwards would not permit to be used in her interview with Oprah Winfrey.

And yet, this the case that is made:

Before you call me a wacky modern family lovefester, think about it. We don’t know the intricacies of this blended family. Perhaps John and Rielle are still together in their private lives. Perhaps the kids already know and have a relationship with Rielle. Maybe their relationship, as painful as its start was to everyone involved, is ordinary life to them now. If so, what would they think if Rielle didn’t show up to be there for them all in their time of need? Elizabeth Edwards Funeral: Why Rielle Hunter Should Go

In Europe it is common for mistresses to attend the funerals of heads of state. We see this in France.  We see this in Italy.  But let’s remember that when this happens it is the men who have died and the wives accept the mistress at the funeral to mourn — and bring their children.

Daughter Cate, inJuly,  talked of rebuilding family

Despite the case that “The Stir” makes, one thing they seem to forget.  Elizabeth was so set against Rielle Hunter adopting her children that she tried making arrangments for her daughter Cate to adopt them. When Cate, 28, spoke to iVillage, she talked about rebuilding their family — no mention of Rielle as part of that family.Cate Edwards Breaks Her Silence – iVillage

Elizabeth’s forgiveness

Although we do see the forgiving nature of Elizabeth Edwards in embracing her husband’s love child,Elizabeth Edwards embraces John’s love child; infidelity and forgiveness there may be too much pain in dealing with the loss of their mother, to be able to embrace a woman who caused their mother so much headache.

As for the future here is today’s report,Experts Say John Edwards Should Move Back In With The Kids

For more stories about Elizabeth Edwards please go to my Examiner.com columns:  Elizabeth Edwards: see John as loving dad not cheating spouse

Copyright 2010 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved

Marriage and Infidelity Q & A: Is infidelity decreasing?

Posted on November 30, 2010
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Marriages are safe. Infidelity has not increased in 20 years, say scientific researchers who track national trends. 

With regard to infidelity, I again asked Dr. Tom Smith, Director of the Society and Culture section of the General Social Survey (GSS), about infidelity rates.

He responded: “There is no indication of changes in infidelity from 1988 to 2008.”

The GSS is the largest survey funded by the National Science Foundation and 2008 represents the most recent data.

The statistics are compiled by the National Opinion Research Center (NORC) at the University of Chicago for the GSS.  They have been asking questions about infidelity in nine selected regions around the country since 1988 and have interviewed more than 15,000 people.

The National Marriage Project

From an analysis of GSS data at the National Marriage Project, University of Virginia, a slight decrease in infidelity was reported as of September 2010.

“Further, infidelity has fallen modestly, especially among married men, Prof. [Bradford] Wilcox says. Infidelity overall hasn’t increased over the last 20 years, according to his research.

“Among adults who were ever married in the 2000s, 21% of men and 14% of women reported that they had ever had sex with someone other than their spouse while they were married, according to the Project’s analysis of General Social Survey data.

“In the 1990s, 22% of ever-married men and 14% of ever-married women said they’d had an affair.” Amid Downturn, Divorce and Infidelity Decrease – Real Time

Copyright 2010 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved

What is love addiction? Infidelity and Marriage Q & A

Posted on November 30, 2010
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What is a love addiction?  Quite simply, when love is your drug of choice, your obsessive need, your high — you have a love addiction.  If a woman becomes obsessed with a married man, infidelity might result, but not always.

According to research released in September by Dr. Bradford Wilcox, University of Virginia, Director of the National Marriage Project:

Infidelity, which has remained steady at 20 % for the past 20 years, has decreased slightly.

With a love addiction at first you can think of nothing more than being with the one you love.  You want to touch and hold and care for the other person.  From the moment of first passion — the moment in which you are utterly convinced that you have found the love of your life — you are in ecstasy.   It can happen with singles or with marrieds.  Unfortunately the addiction can turn into a destructive co-dependency which eventually can be harmful to a marriage.

Addictive and co-dependent signs

You become addicted when your need the other as if he or she were a “fix.”   Some signs:

• You may wait for the emails.
• Live for the next phone call.
• Panic if the text message doesn’t appear.
• Think of sex from moment to moment.
• Make numerous calls during the day to check on his or her whereabouts.
• Just the connection gives you a high.

Love addiction is the hardest to break

Dr. Stanford Peele, writing for Psychology Today this past July says of the seven top addictions, love is the hardest to break.  He says,   He says, ” Love. Ah, love is the hardest addiction to quit. It certainly causes more murders and suicides than any other addiction. And if you think people miss smoking, consider what people are like when they break up with long-time lovers or get divorced – even when they hate their spouses! Psychology Today.com/

Marriage and Infidelity  Q & A is a new series that I will be publishing from time to time to clarify news and statistics.

For a catalog of articles on love, marriage, laughter, and a link to,  please visit my website at Rita Watson – Love Columnist

Follow me on Twitter LoveColumnist

Copyright 2010 Rita Watson/All Rights Reserved

John Travolta threatens to sue over gay infidelity allegations

Posted on November 29, 2010
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John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston have been celebrating the birth of their new baby boy. But less than a week later the news is beginning to hit: John Travolta threatens to sue Gawker overalleged secret sex life ‎ – Daily Telegraph.

It all stems from a self-published book by Robert Randolph. And let me say right now, this is one of the dangers of self-publishing.  There are no editors to vet the material.

But just before the birth, read this from Gossip Cop

“Hours before his wife Kelly Preston gave birth to their son Benjamin, John Travolta’s team shot off a five-page legal letter to Gawker, demanding it remove a post purporting to reveal the actor’s so-called “secret sex life” with other men in Los Angeles spas.

“In the blistering missive, obtained by Gossip Cop, Travolta’s attorney, Marty Singer, calls out the site posting “false and outrageous” claims made by Robert Randolph, whose salacious stories Gawker ran in a post called “The Secret Sex Life of John Travolta.”

“In a self-published book, Randolph alleges to have seen Travolta on multiple occasions in steam rooms engaging in sexual acts with men.” EXCLUSIVE: John Travolta Attacks Site’s “Secret Sex Life – Gossip Cop

Here is hoping that the new family is able to focus on family and let the lawyers do the talking.

For a catalog of articles on love, marriage, laughter, and INFIDELITY FAST FACTS, please visit me at Rita Watson: Relationships

Follow me on Twitter LoveColumnist

Copyright 2010 Rita Watson/All Rights Reserved

Infidelity is decreasing, as athletes’ infidelity is increasing

Posted on November 27, 2010
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Marriages are safe.  Infidelity has not increased in 20 years say scientific researchers who track national trends.  The sports infidelity equation, however, makes us shudder in thinking about marriage to athletes.

With regard to infidelity, on Friday I again asked Dr. Tom Smith, Director of the Society and Culture section of the General Social Survey (GSS), about infidelity rates.  He responded: “There is no indication of changes in infidelity from 1988 to 2008.”

The GSS is the largest survey funded by the National Science Foundation. And 2008 is the most recently compiled data.  But a report from an analysis of the data from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia found a slight decrease in infidelity according to Professor Bradford Wilcox, director.

Sex capers in sports

Nonetheless, the sex capers of sports figures are still making headlines. As ESPN reported in The sports infidelity equation: “With technology, stories about [Tony] Parker’s divorce, Brett Favre’s alleged racy text messages and Louisville coach Rick Pitino’s sex-extortion case are just a click, tweet and moment away.”

Somehow we have come to expect a marriage-infidelity-divorce go round in Tinsel Town and the sports world. But with athletes the stakes are higher and perhaps riskier.

Read what Ronald Monestime has to say here in the Bleacher Report: “Are Tony Parker & Eva Longoria the Reason NY Yankees’ Derek Jeter Isn’t Married?“

No epidemic, just Internet infidelity hype

Infidelity headlines from the sports world and Tinsel Town –  reinforced by Internet infidelity hype –  set people to thinking that infidelity is reaching epidemic proportions.  That may be partially true in the sports world, but in the general population, no.

There is no epidemic when only 20 percent of men and 14 percent of women are unfaithful over the course of a lifetime.  (Fewer than 5 % cheat on an annual basis.)

So what is happening in the sports world?

In the sports world athletes seem to have too much access to money and women. And for Tiger Woods, Brett Favre, and now Tony Parker those sexy texts have been all too incriminating.

The ESPN story said, “None of this surprises Steven Ortiz, an associate professor of sociology at Oregon State who has spent nearly 20 years studying the wives of professional athletes and what he calls “husband-oriented” sports marriages. In one study, Ortiz interviewed 47 wives married to men in the NFL, NBA, MLB and NHL.

“He chalks up the pattern of behavior to a patriarchal society and what he calls “spoiled-athlete syndrome.” Since childhood, he says, athletes are enabled because of their obvious talent. And in the same way the culture of celebrity is celebrated, athletic heroes are worshipped.” The sports infidelity equation

Good news for marriage - infidelity statistics

Despite what is happening in the sports world and in Hollywood, in this bad economy there is good news. This was the report from the Wall Street Journal in September that noted divorce is decreasing as well as infidelity.

“Further, infidelity has fallen modestly, especially among married men, Prof. [Bradford] Wilcox says. Infidelity overall hasn’t increased over the last 20 years, according to his research.

“Among adults who were ever married in the 2000s, 21% of men and 14% of women reported that they had ever had sex with someone other than their spouse while they were married, according to the Project’s analysis of General Social Survey data.

“In the 1990s, 22% of ever-married men and 14% of ever-married women said they’d had an affair.” Amid Downturn, Divorce and Infidelity Decrease – Real Time

The statistics that Drs. Smith and Wilcox refer to are compiled by the National Opinion Research Center (NORC), at the University of Chicago for the GSS.  They have been asking questions about infidelity in nine selected regions around the country for over 15 years.

What is the answer to infidelity?

For sports wives and all wives, the answer might be diligence more than vigilance.  Keeping lines of communication open and reinforcing love and understanding can go a long way in saving relationships.

But we all know someone whose husband is unfaithful!

What about everyone who knows someone getting a divorce because of infidelity?   And how can national authorities come up with fewer than 20 percent unfaithful when Internet stories are claiming 80 percent infidelity? Watch for my next article Infidelity and Marriage: Perception, Surveys, and Reality.

For a catalog of my  stories, please go to: Rita Watson – Love Columnist

Follow me on Twitter LoveColumnist

Copyright 2010 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved

Why Mel Gibson has a 3 point advantage is winning custody of Baby Lucia

Posted on November 20, 2010
Filed Under In the news | Leave a Comment

Mel Gibson’s history as a loving devoted  father,  his determination to see Baby Lucia regularly, and his having a restraining order issued to protect the baby from Oksana’s alleged body guard-lover give him a three point advantage in seeking custody.

As it was announced this week, Gibson’s lawyers are poised to file for sole custody on Monday. Mel Gibson seeking custody of Baby Lucia; Oksana defies judge

Since Oksana has proven to be a volatile woman with questionable credibility, in determining the best interest of the child, here are the 3 factors which could well sway the courts to give full custody to Mel Gibson.  Most links are from my previous articles, which indicate that as a father, he has not wavered in his commitment.

Reason One: History of devotion to his children

He is receiving full support of his children and family. Judge Gordon Scott was moved by the testimony, which Robyn Gibson offered voluntarily regarding Gibson’s character.

Gibson regularly speaks to his soon-to-be-ex wife, Robyn, with whom he has seven children from their nearly 30-year marriage. “They are continuing to raise their kids together,” a source says of the former couple, who split in April 2009. Mel Gibson’s Family Stands by Him During Oksana Drama‎

For the full story, read my earlier article: Why ‘domestic violence’ judge believed Robyn Gibson, Mel’s ex-wife

ReasonTwo: Continued visitation

Mel Gibson insisted on continued visitation rights to see his daughter and went to court for the right to do so.  The judge in the case was swayed by the testimony of his wife Robyn.

Those who harm another are oftentimes repeat offenders.  Since the judge in the case of Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva once specialized in domestic violence, his years of experience came into play with his decision to allow Mel Gibson continued visitation rights to see his daughter.  Mel Gibson keeps visitation with daughter, Lucia, in spite of protests by Oksana Grigorieva

Reason Three:  A restraining order sought and won against Oksana’s alleged body-guard

In another twist to the Mel Gibson-Oksana Grigorieva case, it seems that Oksana was employing a body-guard allegedly turned lover, who was a convicted felon.  Gibson moved swiftly to keep him away from the baby and the judge agreed. Mel Gibson protects baby; Oksana’s bodyguard ordered to stay away

In general what will play a big role in the Judge’s decision is his expertise in domestic violence.  Under oath Gibson testified that he did indeed slap Oksana — who has accused him of domestic violence — but he said it was to stop her from tossing the baby around like a ragdoll. Mel Gibson, with ‘Shaken Baby Syndrome’ concern, slaps Oksana

Put all of this together with Gibson’s testimony of the stand in which he talked of his love for and need to protect his baby and you have a pretty strong case in which  Gibson is looking like the custodial parent.

Perhaps what the Judge is also hearing is that the Gibson family loves Baby Lucia. Despite Gibson’s betrayal of his wife of nearly 30 years, the couple has maintained a stable family relationship.

For all of his apparent faults, Mel  Gibson does seem to be a man who loves his children and be counted upon to generously support them both emotionally and financially.

• Mel Gibson talks as a loving dad about Baby Lucia to the Judge
• Mel Gibson, Baby Lucia, Oksana, and child support update

Copyright 2010 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved

5 sins of emotional infidelity

Posted on November 16, 2010
Filed Under In the news, MARRIAGE TIPS | Leave a Comment

In the Tinseltown marriage tumbles, we have a possible emotional infidelity with Bret Michaels and Tish Cyrus — although at least one report thinks that he is simply playing a cover-up game.  Bret Michaels Publicly Denying Affair with Tish- A Cover-Up?‎ -

Then we have David Arquette actually accussing Courteney Cox, his estranged wife of emotional infidelity with her Cougar Town co-star. David Arquette claims Courteney Cox had ‘emotional affair’

What is emotional infidelity and why it is considered wrong?

Leading expert, Dr. Gary Neuman, a Rabbi, psychologist, and father of five, says this: “The signs of an emotional affair may be more subtle than those of a sexual affair, but they’re just as unmistakable. “An emotional affair happens when you put the bulk of your emotions into the hands of somebody outside of your marriage,” explains psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity.

“It’s not so much that you’re not talking with your husband — there’s always stuff to discuss, thanks to kids and mortgages — but you’re not sharing with him.” The Affair You Don’t Know You’re Having – WebMD

Here is his website:  The Official Website of Author M. Gary Neuman

Five sins of Emotional Infidelity

Why do I refer to the “sins” of emotional infidelity rather than indiscretions?  To drive the point home that it is a serious breach in a marriage.

1. – Coveting – It is a wrongful desire — an affection that interferes with another couples’ marriage.

Sin 2 – Stealing –It robs the married couple of time that should be theirs to share emotionally.

Sin 3 – Adultery (in the making) — Once the communication starts , whethever via Internet or in person, it sets the stage for physical intimacy.

Sin 4 – Deception – This is a matter of dual deception.  The married person is cheating a spouse, and the other party is being cheated as well by his or her involvement with an unavailable partner.

Sin 5 – Lying — Since two people are not physically acting out the cheating deed, it is easy to lie to oneself by saying  “we are not doing anything wrong.”

Here is the Love and healing part

Infidelity is not running rampant in this country.  We only hear of high-profile cases.  So instead of searching for cheating clues, look for loves signs.  Visit  Divorce Busting® – How to Save Your Marriage,

Also see  Infidelity: Mending your marriage after an affair – MayoClinic.com ;

For a catalog of  all of my articles, please visit me at Rita Watson: Relationships

Follow me on Twitter LoveColumnist

Copyright 2010 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved

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