Female infidelity: why some marriages make it, others crumble
Posted on April 7, 2011
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The double standard has hit the news again. In marriages where men are unfaithful there is a better chance of the couple staying together. Although just 3 in 100 women are unfaithful, nonetheless in cases of infidelity men are forgiven, women are banished.
In a CNN article today April 7, 2011, we get to heart of the matter, women stray for emotional reasons, and the male ego cannot take the affront. Whereas men stray opportunistically.
Unfaithful women are actually quite rare — fewer than 3 percent annually and just about 15 percent over a lifetime say national authorities researching data funded by the National Science Foundation. Nonetheless, if it a woman who is unfaithful, the marriage often crumbles is what Ian Kerner, sexuality counselor writing for CNN, essentially says.
He points out : “That’s one of the reasons there’s often a better chance that a couple will stay together and try to work things out when it’s the man who’s doing the cheating, rather than the woman. For men, cheating often tends to be opportunistic—they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and the cheating doesn’t necessarily mean anything emotionally—whereas with women the desire to cheat is often less opportunistic and more deeply felt.
“It’s often more a matter of the heart than of the genitals. Sure, some women cheat for the sex, but many also cheat for another chance at love, or to confirm to themselves that their primary relationship is really over. A woman who cheats is often a woman who doesn’t want to work it out. She’s already invested time trying to work it out, and she’s done. It’s too late.” Female infidelity: It’s different from the guys
Two important themes of which we are to be mindful: labeling and bad statistics
Labeling is damaging in so many ways — forget political correctness. Labeling is basically name calling and branding, a technique used by teen girls who are bullies who use deliberately hurtful words and rumors to harass.
With regard to infidelity — the more often we use the word “cheat” the more inflamatory it is. Ironically most often it is the men who are called cheaters. Sometimes the media is kinder to unfaithful women calling them words such mistresses, paramours.
The problem with the word “cheater”– it can hinder reconciliation.
With regard to bad statistics — using statistics to bolster an article can be unfair unless you read the ENTIRE source. There are not a lot of current studies being reported — check the source and you will see that they date back to 2008. And even the CNN article talks about old studies.
Most often if you read the study you will find that the information pulled out, was really a minor effect. Sharon Jayson wrote in 2008 about “happy enough men” who cheat. But look closely, she did not say that “happy husbands” cheat and what you will find if you read the actual study is the disparity between men’s perception and women’s. Happy enough’ couples fall prey to infidelity, too – USATODAY.com
What to do
Infidelity is the symptom of a larger problem. And this is an important reason to look both inward and at the marriage.
Marriage and infidelity expert, nationally acclaimed award recipient
Before making a hasty decision about a husband or wife who is unfaithful talk with an expert in marriage and infidelity such as Michele Weiner-Davis or one of the qualified counselors at divorcebusting.com
For my newspaper column, I talked with Michele Weiner-Davis, who won the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy’s Outstanding Contribution to the Field of Marriage and Therapy Award and Smart Marriages’ Impact Award.
She says, “It is important to know that no matter how bleak things might seem, it is possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. But it takes teamwork and commitment from spouses willing to work hard at getting their marriages back on track. Re-establishing trust and finding ways to manage overwhelming painful emotions are key to the healing process.” Rita Watson: Infidelity, meet sex addiction March 7, 2010 (Providence Journal)
Regarding men who are unfaithful
What do accurate statistics mean for wives? The numbers are low. Just 5 in 100 annually and about 22 percent over a lifetime. Look for love signs and not cheating clues. Be cautious about the advice you follow.If you are in a position where infidelity is at issue– find trusted experts who have credentials and licenses with the expertise to guide you into the decision that is best for you and your family.
Copyright 2011 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved
